nonna

phillip toledano 'days with my father'

new project: "do whatever the fuck you like". bonus time. and boy do i have a grand plan for this project.

a few weeks ago i met with my uncle's wife (on my dad's side) to talk wedding photography with a friend of hers who's tying the knot in summer. her future husband hates photographs, and i loath over posing so they've basically said photograph the whole day as a sort of undercover spy and we'll pay you. just my cup of tea. but this has nothing to do with why i'm writing this blog really. just a bit of FYI.

after lunch, i headed back over over to sevenoaks with my auntie to pick up my four year old cousin bella. my nan on that side had been looking after her. my nan/nonna who, until then, had no idea i go by the name emmie. it was probably the 8th time i've ever seen her in my life. we spoke as if strangers, she called me "ennie" a number of times & constantly informed me how wonderful my cousin bella was. i wanted to point out all the amazing things me & my sister had done in our lives so far, but it would have fallen on deaf ears.

i've always been told "you're half italian, be proud". my skin is pale, i have blue eyes and my hair is a mousy blonde. i don't have a roman nose, nor do i speak fluent italian (or even partial for that matter). all i know of my italian heritage is my name. my middle name is nonna's first name, margherita, yet i know nothing about her. an empty namesake & a saddening thought. with this in mind, i looked around her flat & strangely, it started to resemble mine. it was a mine of objects & floral patterns. her eyes too are blue, & as far as i am aware, nonna is fully italian.

but there's a lot of fallings out & secrecy that's gone on in that side of the family, all of which i'm completely perplexed & confused by. we never see nonna. i don't know why so i don't know if i am like her at all. i must be. i came from her. all i know is "she's crazy, devout roman catholic & never remembers your birthdays". i can't understand it. my mum's side is so completely open, everyone lives on eachother's doorstep. i've probably seen my english nan 8 times this month, let alone trying to recall all the times i've seen her my entire life.

with this in mind (yes, ALL of this), i've sparked the idea for a project. i'm going to find out for myself. i'm big enough & ugly enough to go visit nonna by my own means & i'm going to attempt to rebuild some sort of relationship through photographing her. i don't know what will happen. i may end up agreeing with my dad. or i may end up realising who i am & feel more comfortable in my skin. how can you know yourself if you have no idea where you come from? toledano's work, days with my father, is going to be a real influence (see image above).

i hope i haven't bored you. & i hope you come back to check how it goes on. if you don't hear from me in a while, nonna has called the mafia on me.